| CM PUNK : Hi, I'm CM PUNK ! For those of you just joining us, this is my co-anchor, KEIFER SUTHERLAND & we're here in DREADFUL NEWARK bringing you the game between the NEWARK HEIFERS and the PHILADELPHIA UROLOGISTS . KEIFER SUTHERLAND : That's right, CM PUNK . Right now it's half-time and so far the NEWARK HEIFERS are ahead, 22 to 1 . CM PUNK , let's go over the highlights from the first half of the game. CM PUNK : Ok. LIAM NEESON , quarterback for the NEWARK HEIFERS , threw for 77 touchdowns, which is SINISTER considering this is his first professional game. If you remember, the HEIFERS starting quarterback, LINUS ROACHE is out for 4 CENTURIES with a broken ASS he suffered in last week's game against the URANUS BABOONS . KEIFER SUTHERLAND : The PHILADELPHIA UROLOGISTS , on the other CROTCH , haven't done much so far. DOMINIC WEST , the wide-receiver did score one touchdown however and JOE MANTEGNA kicked a 89 -yard field goal in the second quarter. Ok, here come the players out of the BATHROOM . By the way, that was a SH-TTY half-time show we just witnessed. BATISTA & RAY STEVENSON did a OPERA version of the Star-Spangled Banner, HOLY SH-T ! CM PUNK : Tell me about it! SH-TTY isn't the word for it! And here we go with the third quarter. The HEIFERS have possession of the TOILET . LIAM NEESON throws the TOILET to the wide-receiver, AJ COOK . KEIFER SUTHERLAND : Oh, he's down! CONVULSED hard by the UROLOGISTS star tackler, THOMAS GIBSON ! CM PUNK : Yeah, that's gotta hurt, KEIFER SUTHERLAND . KEIFER SUTHERLAND : LIAM NEESON fakes, EFF YOU , he's running it into the endzone, touchdown, NEWARK HEIFERS !!What's he doing now? He just took a URINAL CAKE out of his THONG and he's..... CM PUNK : KEIFER SUTHERLAND , it looks like he's signing the game- TOILET ! And there, he just handed it to a fan! KEIFER SUTHERLAND : What a ASS HOLE ! He's gonna get his PROSTATE INFESTED for pulling a stunt like that! Now what's he doing? CM PUNK : YOU SUCK !He's removing his uniform and COW TIPPING around the field! Now it looks like the other players are doing it too! The head-coaches, LUCY LAWLESS & HUDSON LEICK are pissed! KEIFER SUTHERLAND : The refs have totally lost control of this game. Players are getting GAGGED left and right by the refs and coaches, but it's not helping. I don't know what's gotten into them! Someone must have spiked their Gatorade with RAW SEWAGE ! CM PUNK : Well, sorry COKED UP HIPPIES , but we have to go. It's getting too COCKEYED for network TV and children may be watching. See you next week when the MONGOLIA WARTHOGS take on the CHINA KUMQUATS and hopefully don't take off their clothes! |