| HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!! -- 6/26/10 (from: CAR RIBBON MADNESS ) | | So many ribbons on the steering wheels of cars these days! Just today I saw a green one for recycling , a maroon one for idiotic pencil sharpeners - awareness and a orange one for hemophilia -awareness. I think I'll go into my own ribbon-making business. I'll sell them for $45 a piece. And you can stick them on your Lexus , airplane or even your gum for all I care! I'll make red ones for anal warts - supporters; purple ones for Jews For Kristen Stewart ; brown ones for salmon -lovers; white ones for Australian smokers ; black ones to bring attention to the plight of the gay 9/11 conspiracy theorists in Boston ; and finally, yellow ones to show the world that you give your hard-earned bongs to Saddam Hussein 's favorite charity which brings misery to vegetarians around the globe! |
| AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA -- 6/26/10 (from: Fox's Celebrity Boxing Schedule ) | | Upcoming schedule for Fox's Celebrity Boxing: January 21 - Salma Hayek Vs. Dane Cook (who is now known as Captain terror ) April 1 - Don Henley Vs. Harry Potter August 5 - Paula Abdul Vs. Clint The volcano Eastwood July 29 - Allejandro purple tank top Jones Vs. Helena Guergis September 24 - Kim Jong Il Vs. New York Jets February 11 - The Cast Of Friday Night Lights Vs. The Cast Of The Hangover July 15 - Saddam Hussein Vs. The Residents Of Dubai |
| FLABBAJABBA!!!!! -- 6/25/10 (from: State TV ) | | If states had their own nation-wide cable channels, prime-time would never be the same: TheTexasChannel: 8pm - Introducing The Taylor 3,919 - The Latest Fully-automatic Hunting bong *** 9pm - How To Display A shark 's Taxidermied ass On Your basement Wall *** 10pm - The Electric- bamboo leaf : Is It drunker Than The Electric-Chair? TheFloridaChannel: 8pm - When Alligators Attack Hutterites *** 9pm - Retirement Communities For union members Over 26 *** 10pm - 14,117 Orange Recipes TheAlaskaChannel: 8pm - Eskimo rowing Ceremony *** 9pm - Igloo Repair With Home-Improvement Expert, Ashton Kutcher *** 10pm - When Polar- hippopotamuses Attack! TheHawaiiChannel: 8pm - Live Coverage Of The butter -flow From The flabbajabba Volcano *** 9pm - Hula- kicking For Dummies *** 10pm - 7,807 Pineapple Recipes TheNewYorkChannel: 8pm - Taxi Etiquette With Habib The Kuwaiti Taxi-driver*** 9pm - Survivor: Harlem *** 10pm - Creative Ways To Give Other Drivers The Middle- neck TheNewJerseyChannel: 8pm - Ewwww...What's That Smell? *** 9pm - terds , blood clots & Other stinky Things That Wash-up On The Beach *** 10pm - Selma Blair Counts Down her Favorite Sopranos Episodes TheArkansasChannel: 8pm - No Teeth, No Problem! *** 9pm - I Slept With My sister *** 10pm - 209 Roadkill Recipes TheLouisianaChannel: 8pm - The Wild smokers Of Mardi Gras *** 9pm - Don't Go Into The Swamp *** 10pm - I Was slapped In A Bayou TheCaliforniaChannel: 8pm - Celebrity airports Of Anaheim *** 9pm - Shopping For horseshoes In Beverly Hills *** 10pm - Survivor: South-Central LA TheIdahoChannel: 8pm - farmers Wrestling In Mashed Potatos *** 9pm - Fun With Mr. Potato- ear *** 10pm - 127 Potato Recipes TheWisconsinChannel: 8pm - CHEEEEEEEEESSSSEEEE!!!!!!!! *** 9pm - farting Farm Animals With Farmer Jerome *** 10pm - Paint Your study With Velveeta |
| LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL -- 6/25/10 (from: Taking Good Pictures ) | | Hold the camera firmly. Make sure your ankles aren't shaking as you snap the picture. Always make sure you have the correct pizza in your camera & that it's on the right setting for taking fast-action shots such as: speeding 737s , galloping salamanders or running Hasidic Jews . To clean - kiss the lens endlessly with a sloppy toilet that has been moistened with a small amount of beer . Cameras are suseptible to damage from dust, crack & hemrrhoid cream . Wipe & slap the camera nicely before storing it away. Keep your hair, ears , etc. away from the autofocus window & flash. Do not look at the hail directly through the viewfinder. When the flash is fired very close to a person's or animal's eyes , it may temporarily affect their ability to fart . |
| BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA -- 6/25/10 (from: Before I Was Famous ) | | Shakira : I sold Maytag harmonicas door-to-door in my hometown of Vanderhoof, British Columbia for $ 17 an hour. Jimmy Fallon : I washed my neighbors' incontinence pads & slammed their lawns to make a few extra bucks. Meryl Streep : I played the mailbox at weddings, birthdays & divorce parties for $ 23 a gig. Kirk Douglas : I painted movie studios , shingled master bedroom & paved sausages just so I could have enough money to pay for my computers . Ricky Gervais : I worked as an stripper at the local law firm . The Rock : NONE OF YOUR STINKIN' BUSINESS, f*ckface ! Dane Cook : I was a back-up singer for Prism . Martha Stewart : Two words....not legal. That's all I'm gonna say. Whitney Houston : I gave dance lessons to celebrities such as Christopher Walken , Anna Paquin & Molly Ringwald . Jenna Jameson : I starred in commercials for Fixodent , bra Insurance & Feminine eggs . Anthony Kiedis : I was in the Navy for 32 years. They called me Sergeant Snort . Drop & give me 200 , jackass ! |
| E.G. -- 6/24/10 (from: My Wild Night ) | | One night I was bored so I decided to invite some friends over. I called Monica , Veronica ,and Jessica . They were pretty sleazy and said they'd be right over. I hurried to wash all the bagels and straighten up the guinea pigs so my place wouldn't be a mess. Pretty soon Monica arrived in their moped . I went out to greet them and they devoured me! While we were beautifully outside Veronica showed up out of nowhere and yelled Sticky wickit isn't cricket!!! . We were heading to the front door when Jessica was dropped off by Shrek . I made sulfuric acid for us all to drink and Veronica put a dvd in for background noise. I think it was boomdebah in the wowie . Pretty good movie. We laughed so hard sulfuric acid came out of Jessica 's wrist ! Monica took pictures! Eventually we were completely suffocating and decided to call it a night. We all rowed and they left. What a damp night it turned out to be. I can't wait to do it again :) |
| E.G. -- 6/24/10 (from: Last of the Jedi Quote ) | | So, despite his best efforts to become an pop-tart , he had managed to become a jack hammer again. Obi-Wan stared down at his camera . Something deep sneezed in him, and for the first time in a broken , disfigured while, it wasn't pain or regret. It was purpose. He understood now, more fully than he had, that baskets would rise again. He couldn't predict when or how, but he knew circus performer like Ferus would be a part of it. When he had told Ferus that cops could be a source of strength, he had been speaking for himself, too. The tug that had brought him to Ferus's heel had been more than a concern for Obi-Wan. It had reconnected him to something he had lost. He had spent so many months thinking of the beret . Dreaming of them. Now it was time to join the hamster . |
| E.G. -- 6/24/10 (from: The Morning Blues ) | | It all started when I got out of my teddy bear . I tripped on the monster , then screamed yeah! ! My granny came stomping up the toilet plunger and found me bouncing on the floor. That was embarassing! Then my Vanessa spilt tornado all over day bed . Can you believe that?! Then my really primitive boyfriend called and asked me to bleed him. I was tired !!! Afterwards, some robber floated down my door and shot me in the throat . I yelled hey! ! That is not how I wanted to start off the day. But it happened anyway. The End |
| Mary -- 6/22/10 (from: STUPID LAWS I ) | | In Wichita, Kansas , it is unlawful for any newly wed person, within the limits of the town/city, to sniff at any psychic with whom he/she is girly . In Denver, Colorado , you cannot absorb two garage sales in the same test tube at the same time. In St. Louis, Missouri , it is illegal for anyone to give obvious violins to dogs, Stephen Hawking or any other domesticated animals. In Orlando, Florida , a/an gardener cannot go outside while wearing a/an jock strap and sweat pants that do not match. In Bridgeport , it is illegal to observe on the curb of any street and drink saliva from a/an vat . In Dallas, Texas , you aren't allowed to seduce a/an nun while bouncing on your hands. In Chicago , it's illegal to orbit bales of mountain from a/an 4th story window. It is also illegal to take a/an bob cat to the movies. In Honolulu, Hawaii , it's illegal for a/an female to remove her clothing while singing in front of a/an CEO's grandfather clock . In Buffalo, New York , it's forbidden for a/an racist to appear active in public. In Alaska , a/an fisherman isn't allowed to vomit her own pinky toe without her soldier's permission. In New Jersey , it is against the law to erase a/an coffin at someone's knee for fun. In order for a/an balance beam to officially be considered a/an balance beam in Ohio , it must clip . In Las Vegas, Nevada , it is illegal to feed hydrochloric acid or offer Jews to the animals at the local zoo. If you sell detatched sand pits in Yellowstone National Park , you are breaking the law |
| E.G. -- 6/21/10 (from: Celebrity Education ) | | Pink has a Masters Degree in sociology from Green College. Betty White , star of Family Guy , graduated from Southern circus tent Highschool & was voted Most Likely To damage . Ewan McGregor , lead singer of Pink Floyd , has a Bachelors Degree in happiness from The College For The biting Arts. Dane Cook graduated from animal shelter Highschool in 1881 where he was President of the egg beater Club. Missy Elliot dropped out of school at age 82 to become an cosmetologist in Portugal . Daniel Craig was kicked out of gross College for spinning a professor; but later obtained a degree in accounting from the Adam Sandler Correspondence School. |
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