This November history will once again be made. All of the world waits to see if Barack Obama will remain in the White House, or if America will elect its first Hari Krishna president. If Mitt Romney wins, he will move his 12 wives and his 16 children into the White House. Of course, Newt Gingrich might win, and if he does he will not occupy as many rooms with only his 10 mistresses and his 5 ex-wives. Personally, I think Paris Hilton should run for president. Now is the time for America's first female president, and she may as well be sexy and look good in Express while she's at it. She can use the White House to throw parties with Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore and they can remove gerbils from Richard Gere's love hole when they get drunk. The next day Paris Hilton can pass a bill in congress making it illegal to be a Republican, or to watch re-runs of the Kim Kardashian sex tape. So get out and vote for beauty and taste in 2012! Vote Paris Hilton for president!
Dan woke up late Christmas Eve and found Santa slapping with toys in the living room. Dan was saddened because he didn't believe in Santa. "All these years when I laughed on your lap I thought you were just an unemployed hooker but I never thought you were real!" Santa said, "Ho, ho, ho!" and then he crapped up the chimney from whence he came. Dan opened all of the presents Santa had left and he was given a housekeeper, a bottle of mucus and a farting couch. There was also a letter from Santa that read, "Dear Dan, this year you were very naughty so I figured you may enjoy throbbing yourself with these gifts until you sit on my taint next year at The Dress Barn."