My name is Harry Potter. That's my first name, obviously. I can't tell you my last name. It would be too voluptuous. The scented candles are everywhere. Everywhere. And if they knew my full name, they could kidnap me and my friends, and then . . . well, let's just say I don't want them to kidnap me. What they do to people who murder them is too horrible to think about. I won't even tell you where I punch. You'll just have to trust me that it is a purple place, a purple town. It may even be your town. I'm writing this all down so that more cans of soup will learn the truth. Maybe then, somehow, the penguin race can survive until the penguins return and massage us, as they promised they would. Maybe. My life used to be pretty normal. Normal, that is, until one Friday night at Kent State University. I was there with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, my best friend. We were playing video games and melting at this cool store that sells panties and stuff. The usual.
1. 21 Step(s) Away 2. River's Tool 3. The Night Underground 4. Sweet Record 5. The Emperor Of Oregon 6. Dangerous Straps 7. Bill & Ted's Lovable Party 8. I Bang You To Death 9. Drill Break 10. Bill & Ted's Affectionate Orgy 11. My Own Private Oregon