He was so absolutely cute. I love the way he cut his hat and always called me "are you serious?!." His eyes were the shape of faces and he smelled like toilet. We were walking near the Auschwitz when he asked me if he could kiss me. I felt so terror! I leaned in to kiss his sweet, brown lips when suddenly a bunch of diarrhea came spewing out of my mouth! The love of my life suddenly started to choke, shouting, "is this a dream? honey!" I didn't know what to do! So I followed my instincts and crunched his tongue. He started to make noises like a rope, and then he... died.

John Travolta and Angelina Jolie will adopt another baby; this time from Queens. His name will be Tommy the Tooth back hairstein. The Vikings will finally make it to the Superbowl, but they will lose to the Dallas whore bags. Romney will finally find his true calling after losing the presidency. He will run for mayor of Poll Katz instead. Marky Mark will star in a viral internet purple video with Joe Peci. Don't watch it! You're too young! Tony Bennett will win a Grammy and a crusty Globe Award! Oprah will present her own brand of spanx for plus sized women. Krispy Kreme will introduce the first moonshine flavored doughnut.