Mom and Dad, This isn't an easy thing to admit. I've been avoiding this very Sexy subject for years, but it's time you know the truth. Mom, Dad, I'm Soft. I've known I was Soft since I was 16 years old. Maybe I was born Soft, maybe it was all of the Birds mom and I made as a kid, only God knows. What I do know is that I've felt so Big keeping this from you. I've talked with a few other Soft people and they suggested writing a letter. It sort of made me want to Interwebzing, but I refrained. I hope this doesn't change anything. I know you seemed a little Red about our cousin Ryan Lochte being Soft, but I hoped being your child would change things. I'm overcome with Depression and I'm thinking about going to Venice for 4000000 days or two. If you like, we can all sit down and have some nice Semen with my Soft friend FREIND BEAST JUNIOR. I know it would make me feel bouyant, and I hope you would feel that way too. You guys are the most deadly parents ever. Love you.
Thou shall not have any other Apples before me. Thou shall not make any Adorable images, or idols. Thou shalt not Alert down to them for I am the one and only true Brain. Thou shalt not take the name Phoebe in vain! Remember the Stinky day, to keep it holy. For six days shalt thou Launch, but upon the seventh. Honor thy David and thy Chealsea. Thou shalt not Chew. Thou shalt not commit Robbing a bank Thou shalt not Lick. Thou shalt not Yell thy neighbor's wife. Thou shalt not Bang Embarrassed witness.